All Clear!

Just got back from the oncologist, and Nova's lungs were all clear! The x-rays didn't show any visible signs of tumors in the lungs. He said that her panting was likely due to the hot weather. And the swelling in the neck was nothing to worry about. Lymph nodes felt good. I am so happy.

We stopped at the park on the way home to take some "celebration" pictures:

Worried This Week

It has been over a month since I last posted. It's mostly been because of all the busy-ness that comes at the end of the school year, and preparing for a family vacation to the Carolinas, which we just now returned from. Nova and Emmy were in the kennel for 10 days (really broke my heart to leave them there). They seemed to do great, although were glad to be home. They went straight for the leather couch.

Nova has adapted incredibly to being a blind dog. She finds her way around the house and outside to her "spot" without any assistance whatsoever. It's so funny, she appears to use her tail as a blind dog "cane", wagging it in a wide arc so she can feel the walls. She has really sharpened all of her senses. She can tell if anyone is approaching her when she has her favorite stuffy in front of her, and she will rush to grab it and let out a "watch it" bark. It's so funny because Nova was always really lax when Emmy would steal her stuff, she'd just give in and back off. Not anymore! Last night, she even stole Emmy's dinner.

Nova was scheduled to have new chest x-rays at the oncologist early this month. After a lot of waffling, I rescheduled the appointment to later in the month (tomorrow in fact). I had kind of a selfish reason for doing so, but I did it anyway. I was nervous that we might get bad news, and I didn't want it to ruin our vacation. Plus, if I heard bad news I don't think I could have left her in the kennel, but I couldn't find any other options. So I thought it would be best to wait until we got back.

I have no idea what to expect tomorrow. A few days before we left, I noticed a strange swelling in Nova's neck. It was not something I could feel at all, just something I could see under her skin when she turned her neck a certain way. But every time I think I see it (looks golf ball like), I grab her and feel her neck area all over. But I can't seem to find any type of mass, and it is all soft, there is nothing hard in there other than bone, that I could find. I thought that they might be swollen lymph nodes, but I thought if that would be the case they would feel hard. I decided that it could wait until the oncologist appointment.

Another strange thing is that since she has come home from the kennel she has been panting a lot. Now, it has been in the 90s this week, so it might be from the heat. And it might be pain from her glaucoma, although I took her to the opthomologist earlier this week and her eye pressures were fine. I am concerned that panting is a sign that the cancer has spread to the lungs. I am trying to remain positive, although I know metastises (sp?) are inevitable. We are going to have to deal with them sooner or later.

She doesn't pant when she is laying down, only when she gets up to move around. It is quite warm in my house (we don't like to turn the air on much), but I have tried fans, and turning the air on to see if it makes a difference and it doesn't seem to. But it is so hot and humid, it's been uncomfortable for me too. I think if I was a dog I would be panting too.

I want to know, but I don't want to know. You know? The whole diagnosis, amputation experience, treatments, x-rays, and then all the glaucoma problems with ensuing blindness. It has me just totally drained. Getting the x-rays tomorrow will be a big expense, and if it shows that there are tumors elsewhere, I will probably just lose it. I have done so much to care for this dog, and I don't want the cancer to win. If I find out it spread it is going to be so hard to know when to say when. I think that's the part I dread the most. I don't want her to hurt or suffer.

Oh well, I am trying to remain positive and hoping that the panting is just from the heat. Stay tuned for an update tomorrow.

Life is Beautiful!

Hey, it's me, Nova! I know it's been awhile since I've posted, but I wanted everyone to know that things have calmed down around here and I have settled into a nice routine as a blind dog. It's been nice to not have to go to the vet all the time to get my eyes poked. Mom says I've been doing great adjusting to blindness. Everyone is amazed at how well I am doing. Me, well, I am just happy to be at home with my family and to be able to enjoy life.

I can still do all sorts of amazing things, even though I am blind. The other day Mom was sick, so I found my way into her bedroom, and jumped on the bed (it is higher up than the other beds) to snuggle with her. It took me a few minutes, but I sniffed my way to her when she was sleeping. The fact that I found her in there (I never go in her bedroom) and jumped up to take care of her made her so happy that she went to get the camera to take a picture of me! She said I really made her feel better. Always glad to help!

The pace of life is a little slower for me, and I do a little more bumming around that usual (doesn't bother ME!), but Mom does make the effort a couple of times a day to get me outside doing something, whether we just go out to sniff the flowers and walk around the yard, or go for a quick car ride to do some errands. But in general, I love to be a couch potato, as you can see!

Ahhh..... I love to nap on my back in what my brothers call the "Dead Dog" pose:

My pack has done some traveling lately, and things will not slow down with that until late June. Last weekend, Mom took Emmy and I to the kennel. Originally, a pet sitter neighbor had agreed to come take care of us in the house, but then changed her mind once she found out I was now blind. I could tell it made Mom sad when she found out, I think she took it a little too personally. I know that Mom knows better than anyone how amazing I am at being blind and a Tripawd, so she was really bummed and felt it wasn't fair for me to be discriminated against. Come on, Mom, just get over it, and get on with it! She got on the phone and called Cliff Mann at the kennel and held her breath once she told him I was now blind, expecting that he would not want to take care of me either. Cliff said he didn't mind, he loved having me and Emmy there at the kennel, and was very excited to have us come back (we haven't been there since before I became a Tripawd.)

Mom and Dad went up north last weekend to ride their bikes 50 miles with a bunch of crazy middle aged hungover people in the cold, wind, and rain. Can you believe these people this that is FUN? No thanks! Emmy and I had it MUCH better, we shared a cozy run at Cliff's kennel, stayed warm, even had our beds so it felt like home. Cliff didn't mind giving me my eyedrops, and even held my food dish in his hands every time I ate (sorry, I am used to an elevated food dish, which Mom forgot to bring).

We will have to go back again this weekend, because my pack is going up north AGAIN. This time, Mom and Dad are doing something even sillier, they are running 26.2 miles, all in one morning. What kind of relaxation is THAT? It sounds like the kids in my pack will be having much more fun, going down waterslides at a cool place called the Great Wolf Lodge.

In June, it will be back to the kennel again for 9 days while the rest of my pack goes on a road trip to North Carolina (the same place I went in the Spring) to do a bunch of hiking and biking, and then on to Myrtle Beach/Georgetown/Charleston, SC to see Dad's parents and go to the beach, and if I know Mom and Dad, MORE running and biking.

Yesterday I had a great day outside sniffing all the wonderful smells of late Spring in Michigan. All of Mom's baskets of flowers are in bloom, although it still gets so cold at night she has to bring them in the garage. I love going outside and just enjoying the sun, or even just finding a sunny spot to nap in the house.

"Sorry about all the dead grass, Mom, but where else am I supposed to pee?"

Keeping Mom entertained with my famous "talking" (she thinks I am a drama queen):

Sniffin' the flowers:

As always, Emmy stays near by to watch out for me (I am so lucky to have a seeing eye person AND dog!)

Nova's Point of View

Hey, it's Nova here. I know, point of "view", ha ha, very funny, how can Nova have a point of "view" when she can't see? Well, I may not be able to see with my eyes anymore, but I can see with my other senses, like my nose and my ears. I just have to train them to do that type of work. I consider myself really lucky. I have my own personal seeing eye person now (Mom) and even my own seeing eye dog (Emmy). Together we are working as a team to help me learn my new world. Here's Emmy sticking close to me so I feel safe during a nap:

She follows me wherever I want to nap, and stays close by to keep me safe:

Let me tell ya, waking up to darkness is REALLY scary. A few nights ago when I woke up in the darkness I didn't understand what had happened. I thought I was alone, and that I was not safe. Plus, I felt awful. My eyeballs have given me so much trouble these past few years, it's been WAY more hassle than recovering from an amputation and learning to hop on 3 legs. Think of it as the world's worst migraine headache. Your eyeball aching so bad that you can't even think straight.

I mean it, I really felt like total crap:

Then on top of that, I had to spend nearly 2 days in scary places that I didn't want to be, with strangers who poked my eyeballs all the time and fed me disgusting medicines. The medicines worked, here and there, long enough for me to get some relief and to start to understand my new situation. Now that I am back home, with my familiar bed, toys, and smells, I feel safe and cared for. And I am starting to learn my way around my new world so it doesn't feel so dark anymore.

Here my favorite stuffie puppy making me feel safe and loved when I had my bad headache:

Everyone in my pack is trying to help me, but they are also trying to teach me. I am teaching myself a lot too, since I have a much better nose and sense of hearing than my people do. I really appreciate the things Mom is teaching everyone to do. First, everyone is talking to me more, reassuring me that someone is around so I feel safe. But when I am trying to sniff and hear my way to find something, they are more quiet, except for the person who is near the thing I am looking for. This helps me find my way. Also, my sister Emmy has been great. She has pushed my head toward my food or water dish to help me find it, and also walks with me to our different nap spots around the house. So far I have been able to find my way to ALL my favorite spots, even getting up on the couch and on my brother's bed.

Mom has been helping me get outside with my leash. She is still trying to figure out how to size a harness she got for me, but I hope she can do it today. Going outside is still a little hard, but I can tell that Mom is taking me out the same route each time to help me memorize it. Then we go for a walk around the yard just to enjoy the air. Sometimes she'll get me up if she thinks I've been resting too long. I might complain, but I know she is just trying to keep me learning, and encouraging me. Today we even went outside to make this cool garden stone with my pawprint in it. That felt weird to put my foot into the cold, wet concrete, so it took us awhile to get it right. Mom decorated it with pieces of colored glass, and used letter stamps to write "Tripawd Nova":

Mom is hoping I can get my new world figured out before they have to go away for the weekend in mid-May, and again Memorial Day weekend so she Mom can run her first marathon. Speaking of that, a few days before I went blind, Mom called a pet sitter who was recommended by our vet. It turned out that the sitter was a neighbor who only lives 3 houses from us, a retired couple named Cindy and Jerry, they are pawrents to Otis, a golden retriever who walks by my house every day. Mom invited Cindy to come over and Emmy and I won her over in like, 5 seconds, as we are known to do! Mom was so happy that she lived so close and would be able to give us extra special care when our pack is away. Now that I am blind, she is SO happy she found Cindy because going to the kennel or to a strange house would be very hard for me as a blind dog. So when my pack goes away, Emmy and I will be able to stay in our comfortable, familiar home. What a relief.

Yesterday (Friday) I did not feel very well at all. Mom could tell, and I could tell she was sad and worried about me. I was just trying to get through the pain, sleeping, and thinking ahead to when this eyeball won't hurt so bad anymore. I didn't want to eat my dinner, I felt so horrible. Mom had to give me something called Glycerin. Man, that stuff is AWFUL. She had a rough time giving it to me too. The doctor told her she could just get it at the drugstore. She went there and found out that it was in the skincare/first aid section. She was all upset because the bottle said that it could be poisonous if swallowed. She called the vet a few times to make sure she was getting the right stuff. She remembered that it made me barf a few times yesterday, and was so worried about making me barf on top of all the awfulness I was feeling.

Around 8 pm she finally got up the nerve to force feed me 1/3 cup of Glycerin through a syringe. BLEAH. She put towels all around me in case I spit it out. At that point I was feeling so bad I thought I would just swallow it. I ended up feeling better later that night. This morning when I woke up I was feeling good, and ready for a big breakfast. And I was happy that the Glycerin didn't upset my tummy the way it did the other day. But I still don't like it. This stuff is big time NASTY, and I hope you don't ever have to take it:

After breakfast Mom went to take a shower, so I found my way down the hall to my brother's bed. I was definitely ready to wag some tail today, so Mom caught me on video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GntBHMTJWTQ

After napping there for awhile, I woke up and sensed that Emmy was not in the room. So I got up to look for her. Mom heard me get up and decided to video tape me, so she could show everyone how I am learning to find my way. Here in this video, I found my way from my brother's room to my bed in the living room, without bumping into anything!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wc0q_7ZmFx8

We just got back from local vet to get my eyeballs poked to get the pressure checked. Fun, fun, fun. The most exciting thing is that the pressures were normal, ranging from 10-14 in both eyeballs. No wonder I feel so good today! Mom also figured out show to fit me with my Ruffwear harness, and it worked great at the vet, and everything thought I looked very pretty in it. When we got home I went for a long hop around the yard with Mom. Now, I am going to try to explore a little more around the house. But not without a nap first!

A New Role for Me

I was totally exhausted after the long day. I brought Nova home around 5 pm, and she was still blind. It is most likely permanent. The pressure in her right eye keeps spiking, so if it hasn't caused permanent blindness by now, it will probably do so at any time. There is a laser surgery available, but it is just so very expensive, and just a temporary fix, and there is no guarantee it will restore vision without knowing if there is vision even there to be restored. And there is no guarantee it will relieve the pain either. They tried several medications over the course of the day. They would work, then the pressure would spike. So this blindness is likely going to be permanent. I took about 10 minutes to reconsider the surgery, and tried so hard to see which direction my heart would lead me. I decided against it. I am sure I will have bouts of regret, but it just doesn't make sense to spend that kind of money on something that may or may not work, and is only temporary anyway. She could be back to where she was now in as early as a week to 6 months. It's just did not seem like the right thing to do.

So, it appears that I now have a new role. I am Mom to Tripawds.com's first Blind Tripawd. A "seeing eye person", if you will. Never thought I would be that, but I am dang proud. Everything right now is what the vets call "guarded". We are treating the pressure with the eyedrops and an oral medication (glycerin, she hates it, and puked it up) for a few days. If she is still blind then, then it is pretty definite that she will be blind permanently. At that point I will likely opt to have the same surgery I had for her in the left eye last week, which "kills" the fluid production in the eye. This will mean total blindness, but will also mean no more glaucoma pain, and no more expensive meds. If she doesn't adapt well and is clearly suffering, well then there will be a much different path to consider. This feels like the "right" route for us. As to how Nova will do as a blind Tripawd, only time will tell.

I have decided that I need to at least give her a few days to see how she does, and take it from there. I had to go with my gut. A Tripawds friend suggested I talk with Nova and try to connect and see if I can sense what Nova wants. I know it sounds wacky, but she is so right. Everything that Nova has done thus far since I've picked her up had communicated to me that she was not ready to give up, so I am going to support that.

Nova was ecstatic to see me when I picked her up, and her senses of smell and hearing seem to have taken over in a whole new way. It was one affectionate snuggle after another. She rode home in the van peacefully resting, then got up from time to time to sniff her way to my shoulder and rest her head on there like she usually does. We had a big long talk in the car about our plan. She thinks she can do it, and wants to try.

When we got home, I ran in to get the leash so I could walk her right out to the yard to pee, and Emmy burst out the door and jumped into the van. They had the most precious reunion ever, I could not stop crying it was so beautiful. Then Emmy led us out to the yard, and Nova's head was held high as she sniffed all her favorite places, slowly, but confidently. Emmy would sidle up to her as if to say, it's ok, I'm here and I will protect you and show you the way. We went in the house and she was different right away. It was like she had decided that it was time to get to know the house by her sniffer and ears. I walked through the living room and kitchen, where she spends most of her time, and watched her slowly sniff and discover the perimeter of the room. She ultimately found her water dish, where she proceeded to gulp up so much water (I shouldn't have let her) that she ended up puking. Before she did that, I offered her food, which she refused, but turned and sniffed her way to her favorite vantage point between the kitchen and the living room. My husband was shocked when she quickly found it, plunked herself down, then a few minutes later abruptly got up, stepped ON to the hardwood (rather than the carpet) and puked up all the water she'd gobbled down. I cleaned it up, and she rested back in her spot for a minute, then sniffed her way BACK to the food bowl, and ate her dinner.

The whole family walked through the house in the meantime, just watching her discover the house in her new way and expressing amazement and encouragement. She spent some time following our voices, all quizzical, like she was intent on learning the "new" map of the house. I went off to my son's baseball practice (since I have missed out on so many of my kids' activities these past few days), and came back and she got up to greet me. And last night (I get weepy just saying this) she sniffed her way and followed my voice into my office to sit in front of my desk while I typed emails. This was clearly not a dog who was ready to give up just yet.

When Nova and I had our heart to heart in the car, I honestly felt her telling me "You need to let me try this, Mom, and see if I can do it." I really feel this, and it is so unexplainable how you can just get these communications from your pets if you really try to connect and believe that you can. We didn't talk timeframe, but the hopelessness and despair of the last few nights was gone. I have to grant her this opportunity, I must. So that's what I will do. This is definitely going to be one of those "one day at a time" situations.

I left messages with her oncologist earlier in the day and her regular vet, just to get their takes on the situation. The oncologist didn't call me back yet, which disappointed me, but my vet did. He, like the optho and his entire staff, said that they did not feel it was time to give up. I've only had a person or two try to encourage me to not put Nova through such "suffering". But I honestly can say at this point that she is not anywhere near suffering right now. So I am not ready to give up. I will stand behind my girl to the end. Rene from Tripawds pointed out to me that many people think that an amputation is suffering, and cruel to your pet. But we all know better. I think back to that a$$hole back at the oncologist who said that I should have sent Nova to Heaven rather than put her through an amputation. My girl went on to climb mountains and hop confidently with no assistance. So THERE!

Last night went really well. The priority today is to clean the house to make sure there is nothing underfoot for her. Last night she slept on her bed and moved to the couch during the night. I heard her move in the night, and peeked out the door to check on her. Her ear perked up, so she knew I was checking, but she went back to sleep. This morning she found her way to her water bowl with no assistance, then sniffed her way to the door to pee, back in for 10 minute rest in her favorite nap spot, sniffed her was back to her bowl for her breakfast, then back to the door to poop (this is her routine).

I’ve been taking her out on a leash, there are just too many things to bump into outside but she’s doing well. I hope to teach her a pattern to follow to get out to the yard and back. We have an invisible fence, which is useless for her now (they haven't worn their collars since last fall since they learned the boundaries. So she will always need to be supervised. She came back in and sniffed her way to the boys room and jumped up on one of their beds. I am very thankful I have a 1-story home, the perfect style for a blind Tripawd.

Emmy (my other Dane) has been awesome, like Nova's personal guide. She nudged Nova’s head toward her food bowl, and guided her down the hall to the boys’ room. Nova jumped up on the bed like it was no problem and Emmy joined her, with her paw on her, for protection. She has assumed the role of protector. We are Nova's assistance team. She's the seeing eye dog, and I am the seeing eye person.

The only thing I don’t like right now is that I know there is pain from the glaucoma. I’m doing all I can to control it until middle of next week when/if the determine she is permanently blind then she will be able to have the injection in the remaining eye. Then the pain will be gone. I am not expecting any miracles with the eyesight coming back. The pressure is just too up and down in the eye. With the pain gone, we’ll see how it goes. Considering how well she’s adapted in the last 24 hours, I am not ready to quit. And neither is she.

As sad as I feel that my precious girl is blind, I feel this sense of peace that I know we are doing what is right for us, at this time, this moment, in our journey. Today we are going to create a pawprint garden stone together that I have had sitting on my shelf for the last few weeks. I plan to take some videos soon so that I can show everyone how she sniffs her way around to things. I will also add some pictures, I just don't have the time to download them right now, but will soon.

Tough Decisions

I spoke with the Optho around 10 am and he laid out the options. At that point, the pressure was under control (just like it had been yesterday) but there was no sight in the right eye at all. He said we would not know for about 10-14 days whether there is sight remaining in that eye. Trouble was, during that time we would still be battling with the pressures. It would be something that would be next to impossible to monitor, other than running to the vet every day to get the pressures tested. Even then, it was not going to work well since the pressure can go from ok to terrible in an hour. He mentioned that there was a laser surgery that they could do, that would reduce fluid production, but was no guarantee that her eyesight would return. It may likely already be gone, which in that case the surgery would strictly be for TEMPORARY pain relief. He said 6 months is the typical time that the glaucoma can be controlled with the laser surgery. And there was no guarantee that the laser surgery would even work at all.

I got to thinking. Now, if she IS blind, I could always have the same procedure I had done in the left eye last week, the only trouble with that was that he would only do it in a blind eye, and at that point in time he could not say for sure that the eye was permanently blind. What was so very maddening was knowing that I would have to wait for 10-14 days trying to treat it with medication, not really knowing if she was in pain or not, just to see if her vision comes back. It might return from this bout, but she could have another bout at any minute that could cause permanent blindness too. I wish I could do the laser surgery, just to see if it worked, but given that it doesn't solve the problem, it seemed to not make sense to me. Plus, I was still worried that she would not be able to function as a blind Tripawd.

But I didn't want her to be in pain. The surgery in the left eye last week went great, and although she is permanently blind in the left eye, the pressure is gone, and doesn't come back supposedly. So it solved the problem and provides pain relief. What I thought I might opt for is to ride out the next 10 days or so to see if the sight comes back, and also in the meantime see how Nova fares blind on 3 legs. The factor that I don't like is that I won't know for sure if she is in pain or not. That kills me. If her sight does not return in the right eye, and she is faring well as a blind dog, then I can have the less expensive procedure done on the 2nd blind eye.

A handful of friends begged me not to let Nova suffer, and I agreed with them. Stumbling around in pain all the time is suffering. But if she CAN adapt (and I know many who can) then she might not be suffering. What a hard decision. I just didn't know what the road ahead was going to be like in the cancer department. Nova had done so well with her amp, chemo, etc. I feel like I would be throwing it all away if I gave up. But I didn't want her to suffer. There would still the very real possibility that she had lung mets down the line and ends up suffering all the more. My head was spinning from all the decisions and what ifs.

He said I could come pick her up any time I wanted. I arranged for around 1 pm. Just then, my son texted me from school asking me to accompany him to the hospital to visit his Grandma. (His dad died back when he was 7, and Alex has remained very close to his Grandma). The previous night when I was fighting my battle with Nova, he found out that his Grandma was having surgery, and had almost died from complications. He wanted to go see her during school. Anyway, when he first sent me the text, I told him he could drive himself, because I had to pick up Nova. It took me about 10 seconds to regret saying that, I immediately called the vet and said I would be there a few hours later. In this case, Nova could wait, and would likely benefit from the additional monitoring anyway. My son needed me, and I needed to make the time. I was horrendously guilty from missing his track meet the day before.

Going to visit his Grandma turned out to be just the distraction I needed. I was able to focus on someone else, just for a short while, and think things through a little more clearly. By the time we got there she had stabilized, and we had a wonderful visit. It was amazing to see her talking and happy, after being near death just the night before. It got me motivated to approach Nova's situation from a more positive direction. I didn't know what the road ahead of us would be like, all I knew was that we were all going to be loving her big time that night. I thought of some of the things I could do to help her adapt to the blindness. I had purchased her a Ruffwear harness way back in November and thought that might help now. Hey, if Alex's grandma could bounce back from a situation that seemed hopeless the night before, why couldn't Nova?

More to the Story

Unfortunately, the roller coaster began again that very night. Around midnight I heard her whining and bumping into things, woke up to let her out and discovered she was blind again. This time was just as bad as the first. I tried to get her out to pee, as she was very intent on going out, but very distressed, shaking, crying, miserable. I tried to guide her but she charged ahead, panting and confused, and I couldn't turn her around to come back in the house. Every time I tried to lift her she would panic and freak out, at one point she got away from me and went hopping aimlessly toward the woods, tripping over the woodpile and slamming into a tree. I was hysterical at this point, screaming for my husband to come out and help me, but he couldn't hear because he was out cold sleeping. I couldn't go get him because she was wanting to head back for the woods and I didn't want her to hit her head again. It took me awhile, but by lifting her body little by little I get her back in the house. She was thirsty and slammed into the waterbowl looking for a drink. I am crying and panicking.

I get out the medication (Xalatan and Trusopt) and give her a dose in the right eye immediately. I had asked the Optho what I should do if the blindness recurred, and he said give a dose asap and call. This was the best chance to prevent permanent blindness. Plus he said to check and see if her pupil constricts (means there is some vision), and I do that and it is totally dilated to black, I can't even see it, plus the eye is clouding a bit, which is big time bad news, I learn as I frantically Google while I am on hold at MVS. They said get her in NOW. It was almost 1 in the morning by this time. I sat with her for a few minutes, trying to decide if this could wait until the morning. I knew that time was of the essence, and that the only chance she had to save her eyesight would be to get treated immediately.

Once again battled with getting her in the car, in her darkness she was panicky and distressed.
We get there and they can't seem to find my chart, turns out that the most likely place it is is locked in the opthomologist's office, or perhaps he took it home. So they have to get her whole history from me all over again, names of medications, dosages, etc., piecing it together with whatever they can find in the computer. I am furious because I know that with this eye pressure, time is of the essence if you want to save the vision. The exam seemed to take forever, this time the pressure was in the 60s and one reading came in in the 90s. From what I've read, if the pressure is over 50 for more than a few hours or so, it most definitely causes irreversible vision loss.

They started her on an intensive dose of the 3 eyedrops she was on, and admit her for the night. Since nothing was to be known for sure until the Optho came in at 9 am, I decided to drive back home to try to get some sleep (yeah right). They put her in a kennel and she was howling and crying. I wanted to go in there and curl up with her, but she wouldn't calm down, she would just stand and cry. The pain from the pressure must have been excruitating.

When I arrived back home at 4:45 am, I call to check on her, and they say the pressure is still the same, but they were starting her on some oral glycerin thing. I manage to get an hour or so of sleep, wake up at 6:30 and check in with them again. The Dr said that the glycerin brought the pressure down to the upper 20s, not perfect, but much better, a LITTLE of the cloudiness has disappeared. So that was good news. But the bad news was that the pupil would not constrict, meaning there was little if no vision left in the right eye. She said we'd have to wait and see, sometimes you need to wait some time after the pressure comes down to see if there is vision left. She added that Nova had not made any effort to lay down, just standing in her kennel bumping into walls. At least she has stopped crying so the pain must have eased a little.

The plan was to talk to the Optho when he got in around 10 am and see when the pressure was under control. But the big question is, what then? It was looking less and less likely that we would be able to save her vision. But then there was still the pain from the pressure to deal with. The only way to make the pain go away for sure (if it couldnt be treated with meds) is do the injection we did last week in the other eye. That means total loss of vision forever.

I was struggling with “quality of life” issues big time. Generally, a blind dog is no big deal, but everything thus far had shown that Nova was miserable as a blind dog. But then again her misery could have been from the pain. How would I know? I was worried that even if they get the pressure under control (which they did yesterday) that it would shoot way up that night, this weekend, next week, who knows when? And then there would be another round of midnight emergency visits, and worst of all, Nova would be suffering big time.

I really got down and depressed. I was so concerned about her being able to get around on 3 legs, and be blind too. I've always felt that my girl can do anything, but being a front leg amputee she has to almost “launch” into a big hop and go pretty fast to get enough momentum to move forward. When the blindness occured, she would hop more timidly, and tripped over her foot in the process. And when she bumped into things she would get all freaked out, and it was so hard to calm her being such a big dog.

The negative thoughts overwhelmed me. She would need to be monitored and assisted constantly, every time she would have to go outside, eat, etc. Being a couch potato in this case would probably be a good thing, so she had that going for her. But what quality of life would she have living in total darkness, sleeping all the time, and only getting up assisted to eat and go outside? The other issue is that she was a very panicky dog, easily stressed. So that would mean every bump and stumble would get her all worried and upset, or worse yet, HURT because when a Great Dane like her panics it's like Marmaduke, frantic limbs all over the place.

And HOW does one proceed with aggressive cancer treatment (metronomics, although she is off Cytoxan for a week or two), expensive chest x-rays, etc. with a dog in this condition? I was such an awful mess. I just didn't know what to do. I wanted so much to do the right thing for her, but I just didn't know what was right. I had tried so hard to be positive throughout her illness and had spent every cent I could find on her care and treatment. But was this the point where I am doing all of it for me, and not for her? Would it be fair to ask her to endure this?